Some may see this post as self-indulgent, it is
not meant to be, it is the most personal thing I have ever shared online, and I
will no doubt have a lot of "delete it" moments but for now, it seemed fitting that I write it and post it
today, Mother's Day (in England, I know you celebrate it another day in the
US).
Stop all the clocks, cut
off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from
barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and
with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin,
let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle
moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky
the message she Is dead,
Put crepe bows round the
white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic
policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my
South, my East and West,
My working week and my
Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my
talk, my song;
I thought that she would
last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted
now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and
dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and
sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever
come to any good.
W H Auden (with a few
little changes by me)
I have never written a
personal post on this blog but I have been really overwhelmed by the support of
my inworld friends, designers, and strangers, when for some reason I have
had to tell them I am not at my best at the moment. For those that don't
know, my lovely mum passed away Feb 20 after a long and brave battle against
Parkinson's Disease amongst other conditions, though it was pneumonia and
sepsis that took her away from us.
My life for many years
has revolved completely round my mum, as her carer and I am really lost at the
moment. She was great company with a wicked sense of humour and we were
very close. I took her on holidays (my dad having died over 20 years ago)
and day trips for many years, but after she was badly hurt in a hit and run and
spent three months in hospital, everything changed. She had to walk with
a stick and lost her confidence and never left the house alone. I still
took her for lunch when she was well enough and got her out whenever I could,
but over the last few years she wasn't well enough to leave the house, and for
much of last year she was bedbound. She never lost her sense of humour
and there was a lot of laughter, even during the bad times.
The last five months
were really tough, she went into hospital early November, even spending
Christmas and New Years there. She was discharged early January but
within a few days had an attack (of what we didn't know) and to call an
ambulance again, never imagining that she would never be home again. Although
her mind was sharp as a pin usually, in hospital she suffered from delirium
much of the time, suffering really bad paranoid delusions which were so
difficult to deal with - and has left me in awe of those that care for people with Alzheimer's or Dementia. I have no idea how you do it.
Twice they were on the
point of discharging her, and I got her room all ready, bought her new pillows
and even a baby monitor so if she needed me in the night I would hear her. Both
times, however, she got an infection and had to stay in.
Then suddenly she
started deteriorating, but they put her on antibiotics and she rallied, but two
days later started deteriorating again and the doctor called us over and said
the words I can't even repeat here because they are the words no-one wants to
hear about a loved one.
Her last few days were a
nightmare I can't even describe. My dad died peacefully in his sleep, but
my poor mum didn't have that, she had two days of hell, and that is what
continues to haunt me, and I doubt I will ever be fully free of that. Our
last visit she didn't know we were there, but that was a blessing, because she
seemed a lot more peaceful than the previous two days (morphine has its uses).
I was going back that evening but got a call to say we needed to get
there quick, but when we got to the ward the doctor told us we were ten minutes
too late, she had gone.
On Monday they are
coming to take all the special equipment we have had the use of - a special
bed, a bath chair etc. It breaks my heart again every time something like this
happens because it makes me have to face up the to fact she is not coming back. Of course I know she isn't, but I am having a really hard time accepting it.
I know some people wonder why I have carried on logging in to sl and blogging at a time like this. It has actually been a blessing, it gives me something to do, keeps my mind occupied, and I really need that. Styling is taking longer than usual, and I am scrapping whole posts because I don't like what I have done with it, but even so I am really glad that I have both sl and the blog to keep me occupied.
I know some people wonder why I have carried on logging in to sl and blogging at a time like this. It has actually been a blessing, it gives me something to do, keeps my mind occupied, and I really need that. Styling is taking longer than usual, and I am scrapping whole posts because I don't like what I have done with it, but even so I am really glad that I have both sl and the blog to keep me occupied.
Finally, from an unexpected source (you know who you are, thank you), another poem, which is much more positive than the Auden one, and knowing my mum, this is what she would want for me:
You can shed tears that
she is gone
or you can smile because
she has lived.
You can close your eyes
and pray that she will come back
or you can open your
eyes and see all she has left.
Your heart can be empty
because you can't see her
or you can be full of
the love you shared.
You can turn your back
on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for
tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and
only that she's gone
or you can cherish her
memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close
your mind,
be empty and turn your
back
or you can do what she
would want:
smile, open your eyes,
love and go on.
David Harkins
There is one more angel
in heaven tonight, 20 Feb 2015, RIP mum, I will love and miss you forever.
Thank you so much to all
of you who have been so supportive, and kept me logging in - my friends,
designers, bloggers, strangers, and of
course Tomm, my rock, and the two Pets. Some of you have been a shoulder to cry on, some have made me smile at a time when I really thought I would never smile again.
If anyone out there
reads this and has been through something similar, or is going through it, feel
free to drop me a line anytime if you need someone to talk to.
I'm sorry for your loss, Zsa. It's never easy. My thoughts and prayers are with you during these difficult times. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Zee, and though we don't talk often, your name always makes me smile, you are one of sl's bright lights xx
DeleteBeautifully written Zsa, writing is a great way to remember and share.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Billy
ReplyDelete